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ELLEN’S COUCH

Stepfamilies

3331 Ocean Park Blvd. Suite 201

Santa Monica, CA 90405

310.314.7667

ellen@ellenscouch.com

Stepfamilies

Although parents usually go into a new marriage and stepfamily wanting one big happy family, that’s not generally how things begin. There are challenges and difficulties unique to stepfamilies.

Many children feel torn between loyalty to their biological parent and stepparent. They often feel that if they love or accept the stepparent, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.

Children struggle with belonging to two different households with different values, rules and lifestyle. Relationships between stepsiblings may be difficult.

Parents may want a stepchild to love, trust and respect them right away, when in reality, these feelings often take years to develop. It’s not helpful for the child to feel pressured into expressing affection before it’s authentic. For example, demanding that children call the stepparent “mom” or “dad” is counterproductive and possibly damaging to the child.

Stepparents often try to discipline their stepchildren, which most children resent. It takes time to develop that kind of relationship. The stepparent needs to focus on developing relationships with the children so that when love and trust do evolve, the children will accept discipline from them.

Parents are caught in the middle between their new spouse and their children. When a parent sticks up for her children, her partner may get upset. But when she allows her partner to set new rules, the children may feel betrayed.

Divorce expert Dr. Patricia Papernow found that most stepfamilies go through a series of seven stages as they learn to live together.

  1. • Fantasy: adults sometimes fantasize that they’re rescuing children from a single parent family. Children may hope the stepparent will disappear or that their parents will get back together.

  2. • Back to reality: the fantasy starts to crumble. The stepparent experiences a lack of belonging. The biological parent may be angry with the stepparent for a seeming lack of desire to be in the family.

  3. • Awareness: stepfamily members gradually begin to understand what is happening and can name their painful feelings. It’s helpful for parents to talk to other adults in stepfamilies.

  4. • Airing differences: adults express more needs, feelings and perceptions. The stepparent is able to talk about issues and the biological parents feel distress.

  5. • Working together: once differences are aired, committed spouses can work together to build a solid relationship and cooperate on discipline. Family members can acknowledge the differences between this family and their original families.

  6. • Intimacy: spouses can relate both honestly and intimately with one another. Children and stepparents can talk openly about issues.

  7. • Resolution: relationships feel solid and reliable.

Relationships in stepfamilies take time to build. Papernow found that the average stepfamily requires about seven years to complete the cycle. Knowing this helps normalize the family’s struggles.

Visit The Stepfamily Association of America website and divorcepartner.com for more information.