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ELLEN’S COUCH
Adults Abused as Children
I’ve found over the years that many clients are surprised to discover that they were abused when they were children. They come into therapy because of unhappiness in their lives, feeling stuck and unable to move forward, finding themselves in the same kinds of relationships and situations over and over.
Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that helps children survive and helps protect them from feelings that are too painful. They move into adulthood not recognizing that what happened to them was abuse.
What constitutes child abuse?
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•physical abuse
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•sexual abuse
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•physical and emotional neglect
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•psychological abuse
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•witnessing domestic violence
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•cruel and unusual punishment
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•corporal punishment
Acknowledging abuse can feel shameful and embarrassing; children get the message that there will be terrible consequences if they tell anyone. Admitting that one’s parents are less than perfect is difficult for most children. As children, we want and need to believe the best about our parents.
Faced with a choice between blaming our parents or blaming ourselves, we usually choose ourselves. “I was bad,” “I was wrong,” “I must have deserved it,” “I needed to be punished,” are all common, if false, beliefs of the abused child.
Acknowledging one’s childhood abuse is often a first step toward getting unstuck and moving forward in one’s life. It’s a journey worth taking.
Browse my LIBRARY for books on these topics!
child abuse
pet loss
Pet Loss
People often experience feelings of loss, guilt, and anger when facing the illness and death of a pet. Losing a pet can be very much like losing a child. The relationship with a pet can be the most important relationship in a person’s life and the loss of a pet’s unconditional love and acceptance overwhelming.
Many people are embarrassed by the intensity of their grief. Sometimes friends and family don’t understand, and minimize the depth of feeling.
Pet owners, who might have chosen not to pay for expensive procedures, may feel that they have not cared well enough for their pet.
The decision to euthanize their pet is a tremendously difficult one.
Dealing with children when a beloved pet dies creates a challenge for parents, who may not know what to say or do.
Veterinarians receive little or no training in handling the emotions of their customers or in dealing with their own feelings around the death of animals they have cared for and become attached to.
For everyone involved in the death of a pet, talking about and processing their feelings with someone who takes their feelings seriously can be extremely helpful.
Help for victims of sexual violence came initially from women supporting other women, and changing the societal beliefs about who is responsible for sexual violence, debunking the myths about rape. My Santa Monica counseling practice developed within that context. I have worked with child abuse survivors throughout my years as a clinical social worker. Couples with conflict are often dealing with the effects of child abuse on one or both of the partners.
Sexual Violence
Rape is a crime of violence. Sexual violence is a violation of the body and spirit. While individual experiences may differ, it is a shared experience of the female gender that can happen to any woman or girl.
Though changes in consciousness over the last 25 years have improved many aspects of women’s lives, too many women live with unresolved issues from sexual violation. It is a crime that still occurs with alarming frequency.
As a society, we’ve been learning about the experiences of boys and men who are also victims of sexual violence. Although it is not the epidemic for men that it is for women, men who have experienced sexual violence suffer many of the same symptoms as women.
Unfortunately, many survivors retreat into silence or compartmentalize their pain. It can take years for survivors to be ready to face their wounds. People use unhealthy coping methods to escape the pain and shame, such as alcohol, drugs and other addictive behaviors.
Sometimes survivors are resigned to living with depression, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders, hyper-vigilance and other symptoms they may not associate with the experience of sexual violence.
My experience has taught me that the capacity to heal is within every survivor. I am always honored to work with that person where they are in their process, when they are ready to take on these issues.
For more information, visit Peace Over Violence
(formerly LA Commission on Assaults against Women)
© ellen ledley, lcsw 2008
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